But when he starts to wank his guitar, and his “eccentric” tune enters your ears and fills up your mind with pure hatred – that’s when you can sense his music trying to dig up Hendrix just so he can kill him again.“Dji-djji-djii-djiii-djuuuuuh – weeoooooooooop wjyyooooooop!”

How do you manage to sleep at night, Tom?
Do you lie awake at nights plotting how to find new, annoying ways to play your guitar? Do you scream out these incoherent ramblings of so-called music when you’re taking a shower?

Just the thought of it makes me nauseous.

I wouldn’t take a Tom even if you dressed him up in a penguin suit and told him to do the macarena.
If I were you Rage Against the Machine, I’d say: “Give me a _guitar player_ – one who tenderly toys with the strings, who always attend band practice and from time to time also sings.”

You’re a Nightwatchman, Tom.
There’s nothing wrong with Nightwatchmen. It’s what you know. When you play that acoustic guitar you’re spreading the love of both Hendrix and Clapton. But when you’re raping that Mongrel Custom “Arm the Homeless” like there was no tomorrow – you’re stealing candy from kids all over the world, you’re burning down orphanages the day before christmas. You’ve gone too far, Tom.

Just the thought of it makes me nauseous.
I wouldn’t take a Tom even if you threw him after me with make-up on and told me it was Scarlett Johansson.
If I were you Audioslave I’d say “Give me more of the Nightwatchman, who plays the music of angels and doesn’t have an urge to wank 24/7. Who’ll never turn. Never bend. Who’s with you now, until the end.”

Thank you.

Norwegian readers should know who my inspiration was for this.
I’m just bitter.