The thing is, I didn’t shave during July. At all. With SchiZo threatening to braid it in my sleep and me finally realizing it really didn’t look any good I decided to let it go. Also, people walking up to me on the street and giving me change got real old – real quick. I had to do something.

So, unless you’re easily offended, lock up your kids and throw your wife in the basement; Here We Go!

First; Let’s take a look at the equipment I had to use. A comb, scissors, a hair trimmer and a pack of one-time-use-only razors. I was ready, ready for the fight of a lifetime!

Cue artistic beard shot!

Now the moneyshots; Lots Of Beard.

I’ve always wondered how I’d look with “a beard style”, so I decided to give it a go. First up: some kind of redneck/mormon mix. Achieved by shaving cheeks. Not too shabby.

Since I’m, well, neither mormon nor redneck I decided to keep going. Turns out I look a lot like Lenin.

My Name is Earl!

Turns out I don’t have a soul, as my soul patch was a disgrace. It had to go.

With most of it gone I looked out of place. I had to get rid of everything. Which led to some problems. I’d forgotten shaving foam. D’oh! Had to run to the store – all shabby shaved and weird. Decided to invest in a proper razer, as my skin was clearly starting to hate my guts.

Now, watch out; partial nudity coming up!

And with everything finally off, this unknown 12 year old suddenly emerged from the battlefield. Ready to serve his Father and clean the Altar every morning!

Thankfully, I kept the beard and am now selling it on eBay. If you wanna bid search for “pubes from cute virgin”.

And there you have it – wow, this was humiliating. I have no self-respect. Also, this really made me realize I need to lose weight.

I’m so letting SchiZo braid it the next time. And if you didn’t find my beard on eBay – that’s because I am trying to be funny. Or because it sold out in seconds.